If we’ve been’well brought up’ we may find it hard to resist the temptation to be helpful, help others, not disappoint or cause offence. Yet agreeing, not saying how we feel or perhaps saying’yes’ when we do not want to, can eventually lead to us feeling used, unappreciated and resentful.
– When we learn to become assertive and express ourselves well, in a suitable manner, it means that when we do say’yes’ to something we are delighted to undertake that extra job, fulfill socially, do a favor, take things further. On occasion we may agree to do things we are not overly keen on or stay silent and bite our tongue. We are going to see it as a trade-off; it may be important to gain brownie points or just be good ways.
However, if we sense that our acquiescence has become a normal pattern, that others now expect us to always agree, we may need to take into account the signals we’re giving. When we express ourselves well it will become an essential part of establishing balanced relationships. So it’s important to note if others have started to view us as a pushover and’yes’ is now becoming the very damaging word in our vocabulary.
– Saying how we sense means that we are committed to establishing equal relationships, are eager to be open, honest and comfortable together. No one’s keeping a tally of who does good deeds and favors or is needing to think before they talk.
If, over time, we notice that we’re the person who’s always helping out, is obliging, saying’yes’ when we would like to say’no’ and getting nothing in return we might start to feel frustrated and disappointed. Rarely receiving consideration or a simple’thank you’ can indicate time to start expressing yourself better and stating how you feel rather more frequently.
– Recall though that others may not fully appreciate how you’re thinking or feeling. If you’re quiet you may appear sullen, indifferent or in agreement with what has been decided. Watch for this becoming a pattern in a relationship, especially if one person is dominant or strongly opinionated. The fact that you might have given a gigantic concession, or made a significant investment of yourself might have escaped their notice. They might have asked a question where they expected you to say how you are feeling and then simply taken you at your word.
I recall a client, a top female manger at a male-dominated national company. She was severely worried, working long hours with virtually no free time or personal life. She always said’yes’ to her manager because she was worried that if she did not he’d assume she wasn’t coping and was perhaps not up to the job. 1 evening she had been driving home from work late at night.
She had worked on her confidence and therefore felt able to readily explain what she was working on, she was happy to do the report but wanted his input rescheduling her workload to incorporate the new request. It turned out that he had been oblivious of her other commitments, was enquiring if she had any spare capacity and was pleased to get somebody else to do it. She dealt with his request calmly and effectively, expressed herself well and so avoided automatically saying’yes’ and end up working during the night.
– Great communications are important. Being open and honest, expressing clearly that you’re delighted to do something, want to be supportive, spend time together, but want others to reciprocate, understand and appreciate your point of view is a good way of investing in your own relationships. It’s important to indicate what you would like from your partner in return.
– When we feel obligated, pressured or second-guessed we could begin to feel resentful. Being the’good guy’ can wear thin, especially if it becomes apparent that others automatically assume we’ll go along with their wishes. We can feel unappreciated, disregarded, inconsequential. But if we do not speak up and say how we believe we have to accept some responsibility for other people’s assumptions. It’s important to manage a situation before it affects too much on our relationships.
If this is you, take the time to reflect on why you have this mindset, why this pattern has evolved in your relationships. Were your role models people-pleasers, always compliant; was disagreement regarded as argumentative, unattractive, dumb; were your views and wishes criticized and dismissed?
– Looking at other people’s interactions and comparing them to our own can be an interesting exercise. Watch how others enjoy adult discussions, talk about their wishes, compromise and negotiate. We can then learn how to modify the way we express ourselves.
Becoming more confident in a positive, assertive manner can add considerably to the quality of our relationships, and the spin-off could be that we also enhance our relationship with Daytona FL Animal Removal.